Harry Potter and the Press Conference of Doom
by Tualha
Summary: Um...just a cliche-but-not I came up with one day...read the author's note. I'll do a second chapter if you guys want me to, and it'll probably be pg13...this probably should be pg13 as well, but who really cares? Anyways, pure madness lacking a method.


A/N Hehehe…got this idea…um…actually, I forget.Oh well.The Descriptive Bit a while down is me in full Amadaun regalia…drawn by my friend Emmy, who sort of shares this account…I'll beg her to scan the pic so I can put it on as my profile pic…The questions were, as a whole, submitted to me by fellow METMA members (join METMA!!!Read METMA fics!!!Go visit the profile of METMA Mandy!!!), and I send many thanks to them for that.The others are me, Emily (the Demon In Boxers), and my friend Ed, who…um…well, this is his quote about himself: "And I die and not succeed, then this shall be my last and final fantasy."I have no idea where he got it.If that doesn't give you a sufficient idea of his character, then take it on confidence that he's extremely weird._Extremely_.Btw, no offense to Thepoenix89604, but you had a whole bunch of questions!So don't take the thing a bit further on personally.Since I got a whole bunch of questions, and I don't want this to be a tediously long fic (it probably will be anyways), I couldn't use all of everyone's questions.And I smudged them a little for the sake of convenience.And with that, the fic commences…

Late at night, a monitor glows.One floor above, the family sleeps, oblivious to the workings of near-Satanic evil down below.A girl's sleep-deprived face grins sadistically as soft key-tapping sounds fill the night air.This one, yes, this one was going to be worth the missed dreams, the drowsiness as she slogged up and down the stairs of the school come the morrow.The girl's grin widens.She types a line as an addition to the few paragraphs already on the screen, and watches happily as her alter ego and the people mentioned in the story are sucked into another world, a world of her creation…

_ _

_"…Harry, Hermione, and Ron strolled down to the Great Hall for lunch after History of Magic.They were still chuckling over what Harry'd written on a spare bit of parchment after wondering idly about it in the bog of Binns' dry, scratchy voice: 'D'you think that the meat of human beings is white or red?__' __They argued about it all the way downstairs.Hermione thought red, but Ron was sure that it was white.Suddenly, Voldemort attacked the castle…"_

Harry, Hermione, Ron, and the rest of the characters in the HP world were sucked down the gaping plot hole.Confused, they looked about the place they'd ended up.It was a stage, facing a crowd larger than that at the Quidditch World Cup two years ago.A long, _long_ table was placed behind them, with plaques showing each character's name lying at intervals.There were microphones and chairs behind the plaques.All of the characters turned as they heard footsteps behind them: a girl was coming into view.(A/N Okay, this is the only bit of really descriptive writing I'm going to do in here, just because I know it gets annoying, but I like writing it…).She was fairly tall, with brown hair to the small of her back pulled into a ponytail.She was wearing brown leather boots that went up to just below the knee, cream-colored leggings, and a forest-green tunic.This was, unmistakably, the person who'd brought them here.

"Hello, there, folks.Welcome to the Official Harry Potter Press Conference 2001, authorized by J.K. Rowling herself," the girl said brightly.Harry didn't trust her; there was something evil in her smile that he didn't like…

Tualha (all quotes will be in this form from here on): If you'd all take your seats, we can begin with the questioning…oh, by the way, my name's Tualha.I'm the alternate form of she that caused your rather abrupt appearance in our presence.The people out there (::motions to the audience::) are either fanfic writers, HP fanatics, in the Friends of The Author Club, or a combination of the three.All of the questions you'll be asked are from them or, of course, from me.Well, if you're ready, we'll let the questioning begin…

And, without waiting for a response, Tualha pushed all of the HP Characters (HPC) into their chairs, and called on what seemed to be a random girl from the audience.

Heather Lawson (apparently): Hi!I have a couple of questions…

Tualha: Go right ahead, Heather.

Heather: Okay, to…um…the Dark Lord: Do you realize that Death Eaters sounds like the name for a heavy metal band?

Voldemort: Um…er…only because…um…::gives up and does the Crucio Curse on Heather, only to find that it doesn't work::

Tualha: I'm sorry, but all magic has been disabled while you're here.

Voldemort:Aaaah!You mean to say that I'm no better than my father?Aaaah!::has a nervous breakdown::

Heather (looking unnerved): Um…yeah…anyway…to Colin: Are you willing to sell any of your photos of Harry Potter?

Colin: Um…maybe…maybe some prints…::starts thinking of all the money he could make if he took the right pictures…::

Heather: Right…and, finally, to Hermione: What's your favorite part of _Hogwarts: A History_?

Hermione: The part where they describe Godric Gryffindor…::swoons::

`Tualha: Thank you, Heather!And, now, let's hear from…Oh, one of the rare boys in our crowd…John R. Butler!

John: Yeah…thanks…I have a question for Ron.

Ron: You…you do?::looks astonished because of his huge inferiority complex::

John: Mmhmm…Ron, did you have any premonitions about Scabbers?

Ron: Noooooooooooo!!!!::breaks down into anguished sobs::Scabbers!My rat!!!

Tualha (looking a bit unnerved herself): Okay…thank you, John!Now, we have a few questions from…Anastasia!I knew a girl named Anastasia once…she was mousy…::starts rambling::

Demon In Boxers: It's okay, Ari, it's okay…just take your sugar pill, now…

Tualha: Huh?Oh…right…at any rate, we have Anastasia with a question for Prof. Snape.

Anastasia: Yes…Prof. Snape, do you wear boxers or briefs?

Snape (going brick red): I have no idea what you're talking about.

Everyone: BAD IMAGE!!!

Tualha (shaking her head to clear it): Whoa…didn't need that…let's have some more questions, shall we?From Thepoenix89604, who seems to have a lot to say…

Thepoenix89604 (grinning): Yes, I do!First, to Sirius…

(A/N The Sirius I'm using as Cannon is that of A Sirius Affair, by Penny&Carol, because we don't know much from the books.However, I've made a few changes…from now on, I'll state if I use a fic or a combo of them as Cannon)

Thepoenix89604: Sirius, do you like human females or dog females better?

Sirius: …Human.Um…I…erm…never thought of a girl dog like that…really!

Thepoenix89604: Suuuure…have you ever eaten a small rabbit?

Sirius: One time, the year I broke out of Azkaban, yeah…it had this little plastic thing 'round its neck…let's see…what did that say…ah!Yes!It said Binky.

Lavender: Well, *that* explains a lot…::sulks::

Thepoenix89604 (looks awkward): Um…yeah…okay…do you eat dog food?

Sirius: Hell, it's food.Sure, why not?

Tualha: Yeah, alrighty then.Now, Thepoenix89604 has some questions for Mr. Filch.

Thepoenix89604: Yep!What's with the cat's name?

Filch: Um…it…she…::breaks down in tears::Mrs. Norris was my only love when I was but a lad!But alas!She was wed to the fear Mr. Norris, bane of my existence.The goddess never even blessed me with a look.::goes into hysterics and is unable to be questioned further::

Thepoenix89604: I have more questions.

Tualha: I'm sorry, but we have to move on.

Thepoenix89604: But I have more questions!

Tualha (signals to a pair of men built along the lines of Hrun the Barbarian, or, if you haven't read The Color of Magic, that big hero guy that Russell Crowe kills in Gladiator.Not Commodus.His name was Tiger.Or something.): Um…next with questions is Sheila Dodd.Sheila?

Sheila (as big men take away Thepoenix89604): Thanks!Um…okay, Harry, I have a question.

Harry: ::looks vaguely afraid::

Sheila: What do you like in a girl?

Harry: Um…um…being a girl?I don't know!Aaaah!::spontaneously combusts::

Sheila: Eep!Prof McGonagall, do you have a crush on Prof Dumbledore?

McGonagall: Yes!Yes, I do!::runs over to Dumbledore:: Albus, I love you!

Dumbledore: I love you, too, Minerva!You're like the daughter I never had!

McGonagall: Oh.::looks deflated::Okay.::sobs::

Everyone: ::looks away politely::

Sheila: Draco, have you ever worn leather pants?

(The cannon Draco I'm using for this is a sort of bi Draco-in-Snitch! (by Al) combined with a little of the seriousness of Draco in Draco Dormiens and Sinister, and if you don't know the author of those, then you have issues.If you need a little example, read the Christmas Wish story by Rhysenn.::is plugging like crazy:: I *love* mixing cannons!)

Draco (with a raised eyebrow): Do you want me to?

Sheila (blushing): Snapewhatbrandofshampoodoyouuse? (A/N No, that's not an error, she's mumbling)

Snape: Shampoo?What's that?

Everyone: WE _SO_ DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!!!!!

Tualha: God!Anyway, thank you, Sheila, and we now have questions from…Lucky, Angel, Dena, Maritsa, and Maria, in that order.

Lucky: Remus, would you date a fan?And, if so, can we meet in the Three Broomsticks this Friday at 8?

Remus: Um...okay…::is sad because there are no fics that really pair him up with someone lasting besides McGongall, who's in love with Dumbledore.

Lucky: ::jumps for joy::

Angel: Snape, marry me!Or at least tell me why you hate Harry so!

Snape: ::glares at Everyone, who is getting ready for another comment in all caps:: Okay, since I can't seem to get a woman besides Hermione or Ginny or ::shudders:: McGonagall in any good fic to speak of that's not slash, I'll marry you.And I hate Harry because I was in love with his dad ::swoons, thinking of James::, but then the intolerable git went and fell in love with that Lily bitch.::scowls::

Harry: ::cowers:: Eeeewwww!!!!::straightens:: Hey, don't call my mom a bitch!Tualha!

Tualha: The court rules in favor of one Harry Potter.Snape, 15 minutes of time-out.

Snape: What the hell?

Tualha: Over there.::motions to a pen around which Carol Channing and Donny Osmond::

Snape: Nooooo!

BMFG (big men from Gladiator): ::drag Snape away to the Time-Out Place::

Tualha: Continuing…

Dena: Hermione, what kind of music do you listen to?

Hermione (promptly): REM.They're an American Muggle band.They're really, really good!

Maritsa: Prof McGonagall, can you teach 8th Grade at out school?The teachers here suck!

McGonagall: Oh, why not.::glances at Dumbledore:: There's nothing left for me here.

Maria: Fred&George, what's your favorite thing to do besides playing pranks.

Fred&George: Um…sleeping.

Tualha: Thank you…::consults card::…"Lucky and her Insane Friends".Now we hear from Freethehouseelves.

Freethehouseelves: Harry, what's your real relationship with Ron?

Harry: Um…it's totally platonic.::goes red:: I'm straight!I am!

Freethehouseelves: Hermione, how do you feel about Viktor being like a duck?

Hermione: Um…::shoots a furtive glance at Harry:: Viktor?Who's Viktor?

Viktor::What?!?!::storms out::

Tualha: ::is gloating as Hermione looks at Harry again and Harry shoots her a smile back::Yay!Anyways, Jessica McClellan has a couple of questions for Draco…

Jessica: Draco, is it true that you're going to become a Death Eater like your father?

Draco: ::rubs his lower left arm and looks uncomfortable:: Um…er…uh…erm…em…eh…::eyes flick to Voldemort, a few seats down the table:: Yes, yes I am…::mouths "Nooo!"::

Jessica: Are you single?

Draco (more comfortable now): Aren't I always?

Every female in the vicinity: ::swoons::

Tualha: Sigh…so, moving right along, PlotTwist13 has a question for Lord Voldemort…

PlotTwist13: Would you marry a fan?

Voldemort: Marry, no.But I could always use an unmarried female servant in my inner circle…

PlotTwist13: Okay!

Tualha: ::is laughing as she reads the next card:: Btw, I have all the questions beforehand…the next one is from ChaosRhapsody.

ChaosRhapsody: Draco, why are you so cute and yet such a pain in the ass?

Draco: I'm God.

Starling (if you don't know who she is…well, for those who, for some insane reason, don't, go to [http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/i/z/izcovich/][1] and look at the art): Yes, you are.

Tualha: Next, Juliette Faust has some questions…I've limited it to three questions per person, so that's the number she'll get.

Juliette: Angelina, are you and Fred official?

Angelina: Hi!Yeah, we are.Read Trouble in Paradise, you'll get what I mean.

Julitte: Ron, describe in two words how Hermione looked at the Yule Ball.And you, too, Harry.

Ron: Too happy.

Harry: Really cute.

(Ron scowls at Harry while Hermione smiles at him).

Tualha: Okay, winding down, we only have a few people left.::the hp characters look very tired::Okay, you know what?I know that there are more questions, but everyone's tired…

_The girl yawns and presses a finger onto the backspace key.The last sentence that she typed has been obliterated.The plot hole disappears.Instead, she continues in a more…realistic fashion…_

_"…Harry, Hermione, and Ron strolled down to the Great Hall for lunch after History of Magic.They were still chuckling over what Harry'd written on a spare bit of parchment after wondering idly about it in the bog of Binns' dry, scratchy voice: 'D'you think that the meat of human beings is white or red?__' __They argued about it all the way downstairs.Hermione thought red, but Ron was sure that it was white.Without warning, Harry's eyes narrowed.Ron was walking backwards, so he didn't see the cause of Hermione's grabbing of his robes.In a moment, however, he heard it…Harry, faced with an intolerable amount of smugness in one sneer, couldn't' stop an exasperated sigh._

_ _

_'What do you want, Malfoy?'"_

A/N To be continued if reviews deem it possible.I really don't care; I might do a chapter two if people want me to.Vote in reviews, and, if you wish, add a question (and the character it's too).Thanks.This didn't drag on too much, did it?

   [1]: http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/i/z/izcovich/



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